Watch this space…

I know it’s been a hot minute. Life has a funny way of interfering in my process. Writing is my therapy and I’ll be making a return. So I invite you to… WATCH THIS SPACE.

Bisous.

Friends with the Ex: A Tale of Smoke and Mirrors

Men and women alike have endeavored to be “friends” after the demise of a relationship. Friendship with the ex, also known as the “consolation” prize is an offering of mere civility, not to be confused with actual friendship, that holds the door open for unresolved feelings, awkwardness, and general confusion if one or both people are not over the relationship, or have not received something akin to closure as a result of dishonesty, acts of omission, protection of feelings, and etc.

I repeat friendship DOES NOT work if there are prominent lingering feelings. I’m not speaking of those passing feelings of fondness. I’m referring to thinking, obsessing, ruminating on what was, what could’ve been, and what it isn’t. Friendship after a relationship only works if both parties have MOVED ON.

I’ve heard many examples of my friends “friendship” with their exes. Hey, I’ve had my own. The talking from time to time, maybe once out of the month about myopic conversations that could’ve been saved for facebook walls or your diaries. The “just checking up” on you call is you crossing their mind, not a play by play of the guy/girl lost. Sometimes it’s just, I’m bored and I have no one to talk to and I know you’ll talk to me. It’s ego.

If you find yourself in a position where your creating music video scenes of the day you’ll get back together, dreaming the same dream every night, or maintaining a vigil on their facebook page of what’s going on in their lives, chances are your friendship is not a friendship. Friends actually know what’s going on each other’s lives without the use of social media. Friends spend time together. Friends talk on the phone. Friends include you. Now, you might be saying, I know my “friend” and they’re busy or absentminded, or are superheroes. Fantastic! Last time I checked though, inconsistency was never a good thing. If they knew how to make contact once before, they could do it again. It’s possible you just don’t warrant consistent behavior. All of these things just lead to a mess of feelings. Your life should be about self-preservation, so don’t worry if you seem bogus, etc. Generally people who don’t want to hold themselves accountable for their own actions will come up with excuses for your behavior. If it hasn’t affected the price of gas or rendered your degree null and void, who gives a sh*t. Put an end to this pseudo-friendship and take care of you. By end, I don’t mean announcing the friendship is over. POINTLESS, and also seeking attention. Your “friend” is not contacting you enough to announce/resemble a friendship, so why bother announcing its end.

People need to give themselves time to really move on in order to be friends. You know if you’ll feel that consistent pang in your heart. You’ll know if you’re extra excited about a corny knock knock joke from your ex. You’ll know. So don’t play yourself. Especially if you had a bad breakup. If they didn’t treat you great as a partner, how on earth can they treat you great as a friend? The line is blurry when you didn’t have some blowup that led to a parting of ways. Regardless, refer to the indications that you just might not be over it, and don’t mindf*ck yourself. Silence is perfectly alright while you’re healing. There may be the rare few of you who have the ability to make attempts at a genuine friendship, only to find out that the other person’s idea of friendship, or handling of it, does not resemble it. This may lead to a recognition of (a) you might not be as over it as you thought you were, (b) you got a consolation prize from that person for any number of reasons, all leading up to them not being completely up front with you and rationalizing they were protecting your feelings instead of depriving you of the opportunity to really process the end, (c) theirs, or your, friendship was just holding the door open, or (d) all of the above.

So what was the moral of the story here? Oh right. You’re friends? But not really…

Be who you are. Don’t wait for confirmations!

Words are nothing without the actions behind them to support them.  Anything else is just semantics. — Me

I’m quite an enigma.  There are different things that I think about that could be idealist in nature, but the core parts of me is all realist.  I am not one for selling dreams to people.  There is much I am willing to give, willing to do, but what I have learned about myself is that over the years, I am less and less willing to lay things out on the table before seeing something that will make it worthwhile.  We’ve all heard the old adage, “actions speak louder than words,” and I am all about that these days.

I’m sure it might be unsettling to people.  Some people are comfortable in the noise, the constant chatter, the whining, the bickering, etc.  That has never been me.  I don’t really get uncomfortable in silence and try to fill up the space with cannon fodder.  I use the silence to watch, to assess.  I think a lot can be figured out about people when you see what they do, rather than what they say.

I wonder what asking constant questions does for people?  People are more or less geared to give you the best answer that’s beneficial to them, or the one that spares you of the truth.  We as human beings need to be more accepting of our emotions and own that.  Don’t make excuses for it later, just own who you are in that moment and if it wasn’t okay, be prepared to become better for it.    This should be the heart of life.

Don’t be so quick to shrug off what your instincts, or brain is telling you.  This could save you in work, friendships, relationships.  Act on it.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise because you are living in YOUR moment.

“There comes a point when you either embrace who and what you are, or condemn yourself to be miserable all your days. Other people will try to make you miserable; don’t help them by doing the job yourself.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton

Bag lady…Pack light.

Video: Erykah Badu “Bag Lady”

It’s one of those days where I’ve opted to stay home, feng sui, sip wine, and listen to Pandora.  Currently as I blog, I’m listening to the Lauryn Hill station.  Erykah Badu’s “Bag Lady” is playing in the background and is the source of inspiration for this latest blog entry.

Sometimes it is hard to let go.  It’s doubly hard to walk away and make a conscious decision saying f*ck all the bullshit and just go out and get yours and forget about what isn’t, what’s making you sad, what’s causing misery, etc.  Doesn’t matter if it’s your job, bad friendship, pointless relationships, revolving door ex, family…  Whatever it is, it’s holding you back from peace, from happiness.  I guess it’s ironic that I’m writing this entry on New Year’s Eve, but call it kismet.  Anyways, I digress.

“Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you.”

Haven’t you ever noticed, when you hold on to pain, or constantly think about a situation making you miserable, you literally drive yourself crazy, make yourself sick, or stew in unhappiness. If you would just make a conscious decision to worry about taking care of you, instead of the outside force affecting you, you just might end up alright. “All you must hold on to…is you…is you.”

Sometimes, when you become so wrapped up in the thing holding you back from your joy, be it yourself, banking on potential, ignoring the okey doke, there isn’t any room for the peace, the positivity, the light at the end of the tunnel, or the new thing to make it all right.  How can you get your blessing if you’re not ready to receive it?  That crutch, the thing you won’t let go of is like an old car in a driveway taking up space.  I got a bit of that from Steve Harvey unfortunately lol…  Anyways as I was saying, you don’t have any room in your heart, no time to spare, no attention to give because, for example, that guy you keep dating is taking up space, even though you know he’s not the one for you…right now, in the future, or forever…Him, she, it, hanging around your heart, your time, is a cinder block in the damn driveway and “living life” can’t pull in to park.

“One day all them bags gone get in your way
One day all them bags gone get in your way
I said one day all them bags gone get in your way
One Day all them bags gone get in your way.”

Baggage, past or present, is not appealing and is detrimental to the life you want to live.  You can miss out on so much because you let baggage cloud your judgement, warp your attitude, or limit you.

“Bag lady you gone miss your bus
You can’t hurry up
Cause you got too much stuff
When they see you comin
They take off runnin
From you…it’s true oh yes they do.”

No one wants to be around a debbie downer.  It is not fun.  If you’re so wrapped up in your pain, you can also affect someone’s joy.  In result, you end up more alone, not just because you’re keeping yourself from the opportunities that could come your way if you were ready to receive them, but also you encourage people stay away from you because you’re depressing.

“Girl I know sometimes it’s hard
And we can’t let go
Or when someone hurts you oh so bad inside
You can’t deny it you can’t stop crying
So oh, oh, oh
If you start breathin
Then you won’t believe it
You’ll feel so much better
(So much better baby).”

Make a conscious decision to let go.  Make a conscious decision for yourself.  There’s no need to make an announcement, because sometimes that’s just you looking for someone to talk you out of something, consider another alternative that might not work for you, etc.  Just do it.  Whatever is meant to be will be, but not because you’re holding on to it.  It will be because you’ve decided to go out and live, find another alternative, explore your options, make a career change, get another degree…and just let go.  And through it all, if it found its way back…changed, at the right time, it would be more meaningful, something renewed, and not the thing you suffered through. #digthat

“So pack light
Pack light
Pack light
Ooh ooh.”

With Love,

Kems

Quotes for a life of understanding.

Hey readers!

I hope everything has been well for you all because it’s just been close to amazing this last month for me.  I crossed a couple hurdles and got some great news.  For the most part I’ve been in an amazing mood and happy that my life has been on the upswing.  I’m very excited for what life has to offer in the new year and can’t wait for January 2012.

As some of you may have noticed, I am the lover of quotes.  I research quotes for my blog, for daily pick me ups, and for articles etc.  I guess I’m a living breathing fortune cookie and share whatever nuggets I find with my friends to uplift and advise, and with myself, to remind.  So I decided to share some quotes that I love with you all.  Hopefully it helps with whatever decisions that you have to make, or situations on your mind.  Many of these quotes can be broadly applied, but I created the labels for easy reading.

Relationships

“Waiting on someone to make time for you or make you a priority is putting your love on a layaway plan.  Instead, wait on the someone ready to have you outright.” ― Me

“love wasn’t the soft, silky words the poets spoke of. Love,with it’s twin edges, was the one factor that weakened so many women, that pushed them to compromise their own wants, their own needs for the needs and wants of another.” ― Nora Roberts

“Moving on is easy. It’s staying moved on that’s trickier.”  ― Katerina Stoykova Klemer

“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.” ― J.K. Rowling

“Love cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another’s heart, or its flame burns low.” ― Henry Ward Beecher

“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” ― Bill Maher

“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.”
― Maya Angelou

“When you don’t talk, there’s a lot of stuff that ends up not getting said.” ― Catherine Gilbert Murdock

“I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me.” ― Steve Maraboli

“You know someone’s right for you when the things they don’t have to say are even more important than the things they do.” ― Jodi Picoult

“Don’t waste your love on somebody, who doesn’t value it.” ― William Shakespeare

Happiness

“A lot of the conflict you have in your life exists simply because you’re not living in alignment; you’re not be being true to yourself.” ― Steve Maraboli,

“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ― Abraham Lincoln

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” ― Jonathan SafranFoer

“Success is getting what you want, happiness is wanting what you get” ― W.P. Kinsella

“Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting some on yourself.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Sometimes life knocks you on your ass… get up, get up, get up!!! Happiness is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them.”  ― Steve Maraboli

“Almost all of our sorrows spring out of our relations with other people. There is no more mistaken path to happiness than worldliness.” ― Arthur Schopenhauer

Inspirational

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ― Oscar Wilde

“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.” ― Audrey Hepburn

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” ― Maya Angelou

“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!” ― Audrey Hepburn

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

“Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that’s what makes you strong.” ― Sarah Dessen

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” ― Barack Obama

“I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.” ― Kurt Cobain

“No one can go back and make a brand new start, my friend, but anyone can start from here and make a brand new end.” ― Dan Zadra

“Once you start recognizing the truth of your story, finish the story. It happened but you’re still here, you’re still capable, powerful, you’re not your circumstance. It happened and you made it through. You’re still fully equipped with every single tool you need to fulfill your purpose.” ― Steve Maraboli

Truth

“Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.” ― Stephanie Klein

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” ― Virginia Woolf

“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” ― George Washington

“Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion.” ― Edward Abbey

“It is always the false that makes you suffer, the false desires and fears, the false values and ideas, the false relationships between people. Abandon the false and you are free of pain; truth makes happy, truth liberates.”
― Nisargadatta Maharaj

That’s all for today folks.

With love,

Kems.

A poem.

Unknown.

A lifetime lived in the dark.

Sight unseen.

Words unsaid.

Silence.

There existed an unwavering need to matter, but, at the same time, there was no existing.

The thing, behind the thing, behind the thing.

Hidden.

Enshrouded.

Invisible.

Needing something to finally come to light.

To feel real.

Because without it, it was nothing.

Well not nothing entirely.

A private affair.

Tucked away.

Undisclosed.

 

The Secret. (2011)

Video: Luther Vandros “Secret Love”

 

 

On figuring out how to be.

Hey readers! Today is going to be a short entry.  I just wanted to share my lamentation of the day.  Days of our lives.  It’s funny that the title of that show got me thinking.  I never understood when I was younger how much power I have to decide how I want my day to be.  People say you can fool yourself into thinking certain things, but while that may sound negative, there’s a positive way to do it.  There may be times when you wake up in the morning that you might not feel like grabbing the world by it’s lapels to say “Here I am World, I’m ready to conquer you.”  If it were that easy, people would be able to do it more often.  Life, oftentimes, is about the attitude YOU choose for the day.  You may be feeling down, sad about some indeterminable decision, worried about a mountain you have to climb, or just plainly lonely.  But remember, you have in your reserves the ability to push forth, to think positive, to put a smile on your face.  I constantly have to remind myself of that.  President Obama once said, “you are the change you seek.”  If things aren’t looking up, try changing the way you’re looking at it.  So when you wake up one day, don’t try looking for an answer to your problems, just smile about the ones you’ve conquered.

Autre temps, autre moeurs,

Kems

 

Adele. I love you, but I hate you.

Dear Adele,

This is going to be a bit awkward, so don’t take this the wrong way, but…have you ever had a successful relationship before?  I mean I really enjoy your music and all.  Like I really do, but what gives?  Now I’m not criticizing the amount of angst and soul you can infuse into a note cause it’s soooo beautiful it’s eerie.  However, I would really like it if I didn’t feel like curling up underneath my dinner table in fetal position, with a box of cupcakes, a diary, a handful of tissues, and my lack of dignity.  I mean you really had me thinking of calling an ex, shoot any ex, heck it really didn’t have to be my ex, all cause “Someone Like You” had me in my R&B feelings .   Me:  Hello?  Mr. Mr. Iglesias?  It’s me, Kemi.  I know you got a woman and all right now but…”I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but I, I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.  I hoped you see my face and that you’d be reminded that for meeeeeeeee, it isn’t…OVERRRRRRRRRRRR.”  AND SCENE. 

But forreal though Adele.  CAMMAN!!! Don’t get me started on “”Make You Feel My Love.”  I mean it comes on and I start sanging.  Like sanging! And I really can’t sing.  One time I teared up a bit, probably frightening anyone driving alongside of me.   First, because I don’t know the words and I probably resembled Cuba Gooding Jr. in Radio.  Also I’ve been told you should never go “full retard.” And second, I’m an ugly crier.  Not as bad as that runaway slave crying with the ashy upper lip effect that Terrell Owens be on, but like a DJ Khaled remix of it.  Equally as loud and 1/2 of the terrible.

So Adele, I would really like it if I wasn’t driven to an emotional basket case from feelings I don’t have, experiences I could do without, and angst better left in my soon to be gone 20s .  I beg you Adele, if you’re out there, let’s try an album of happy songs.  If it doesn’t do well, you can go back to wearing all black, talking about how your exes weren’t sh*t, and just be the all around awesome songstress the world knows you to be.

 

With Love from your 97^th and a ½ fan,

Kems

B*tches be trippin…

Usually I am not one for cussing.  Occasionally I inject it into my writing for literary effect.  Generally though, I think it’s uncouth to vomit a slew of profanity, especially if you’re a lady. But for the purposes of this entry…I have to go there.

B*tches be trippin.  Yeah I said it.  As much as I love the Lord, and generally maintain an optimistic attitude towards the human race, I must say women can try anyone’s patience.  Don’t get me wrong; I adore the small circle of female friends I keep.  I’ve whittled my female friendships down to women who aren’t so damn needy, emotional, sneaky, dramatic, or just plain daft.  But considering I don’t live in a world with just them, I must reiterate that “B*tches be trippin.”

Recently a friend of mind relayed a story to me about how, for numerous years now, she would receive blocked calls.  She knew it to be from a young woman who was involved romantically with a male friend of hers.  Somehow this young lady got it into her head that my friend was Public Enemy #1, wanted her tired man, and needed to be harassed.  The young woman Facebook stalked, created ridiculous profiles, and resorted to E-thugging.   Let me take a moment to define E-thugging for those of you who don’t know.

E-thugging [i’θəg - gɪŋ]

1)   Internet harassment

2)   When an insecure young woman, or man, furiously types from a qwerty keyboard threatening someone on how they would theoretically do something if, and that’s a big IF, they saw the person.

3)   A strategy employed by the desperate woman to deter anyone remotely owning a vagina from “her man.”

4)   An emotional “thumb numbing” response by an up-and-coming sensitive rapper, usually via twitter, to anyone critiquing his body of work, dubbed “hating,” by said rapper.

5)   E-action brought upon by E-sadness, E-desperation, and general E-confusion.

Anyway where was I?  Si, la Bishes es trippinas.  I could feel myself getting irritated.  Not just because I’m very protective of my close friends.  I can be downright cold when it comes to my people.  But more so because this sh*t should not be happening.  Yeah I’m sure the guy probably lit a fire underneath the girl’s ass filled with pies in the skies or tales of how everybody wants him.  *Eye-roll*.  But when did it become okay to lose your ever-loving mind and harass someone undeservedly.  Even if it were deserved, you’d think a woman would employ a better route to get her points across.  I mean women can be the sneakiest, manipulative jawns in the world.  Come on, yall can do better.

I love being a woman.  Let me say that.  Our capacity to love, rear, nurture, etc. is abundant and that cup continues to floweth over.  However, I must also say women love to hate other women!!! [Sidenote] You men should miss me with your head nods in agreement because yall got plenty of issues one entry wouldn’t do justice. [/Endnote] I can’t count how many times I’ve heard “I don’t like her,” from women.  I’ve started to wonder damn b*tches, who do you like? Seriously. Yall are pros at hating collectively too.  I swear yall can ban together, string a woman up like the Salem Witch Trials, and crucify her for sh*t you’ve done a million times.

I had one girl tell me, “I don’t like that chick, she’s a ho.”  Now usually I like to employ my favorite acting methods like hard of hearing girl, dozing off girl, or my personally favorite “silly trick do I look like I give a damn” girl.  But for argument’s sake, I asked politely “why is she a ho?”  She went into some myopic tale of how the girl slept with this guy who wasn’t her boyfriend (B*tches & Labels coming soon to an entry near you) and when he stopped messing with her, she was off carrying on with another guy. I asked, “So YOU KNOW that she was already sleeping with guy?” This chick’s basic response was “come on now. “  B*tches are also psychic these days too. *Side-eye*.  Anyways, I’m like “how do you know what the girl is doing?  Could it be if you were wearing her “ho hat,” so to speak, you’d being doing the same?”  Needless to say, she ceased telling me her stupid asinine tales of hoes and woe.  Gloraaaay Hallejewyah!!!!

Look here, I know we are never going to exist in a world where people don’t judge etc.  Not everybody is going to like each other. But women, yall have got to stop being the most fragmented group in society, second only to black people.   You’ve got all this love to give to your fellow man, but what about your fellow woman?  Your irascibility for the most trivial things that oftentimes don’t concern you is astounding.  Seriously, calm all the way down.

B*tches.  Stop trippin.

PS.  B*tches are not to be confused with women who think first rather than act and ask questions later.   Respect for themselves is key.

Kems.

A Short Story: Part Two

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  Mira woke up to the sound of the door buzzing.  Sore and out of it, she grabbed her robe and stumbled to the front door.  She pressed the intercom and asked who it was.  “It’s Toks.”  At that moment, yesterday came rushing back to her.  “Oh my God!!!!!,” she yelled.  She told Toks that it’d be just a minute, and that Lanre was still sleeping, to which he replied, “Take your time.”

Mira ran to the room and looked around.  Their clothing and toys strewn across the room.  Her corset laid haphazardly over their lamp on the end table.  Lanre’s shirt was in tatters on the floor.  The pole ends of their bed covered in grooves with one of the handcuffs still attached.  And the whip.  The night they shared was a forceful interplay of sexual hunger and violence. Mira’s eyes finally rested on Lanre.  He was laid out on the bed on his stomach.  His back was covered in bite marks and there was a telltale handprint where she smacked the shit out of him for a move he pulled after she explicitly told him, “not yet…Bitch.”  As she examined him while he slept, her eyes took notice of even more bruises on his forearms and thighs.  She thought, “Did I really do that?”  Mira wondered what had gotten into her, but even more so, wondered what was next.

She walked over to the bed slowly. Nervously at first, but then more self-assured.  She climbed onto Lanre’s back, licked his face all the way to his ear, and bit down.  Hard.  Lanre woke up and jumped clear across the room.  In his confusion, he looked around to grab the nearest weapon.  It was then that he realized Mira was standing calmly in the doorway. For a moment he was just dumbfounded, dazzled by her new beauty and sexual prowess.  Her hair was mussed and hanging to her waist, her robe parted with no garment, save for a scrap of barely there underwear.  Her eyes had that drowsy “night of passion” look and her lips were swollen looking like they needed to be kissed.  Lanre stepped forward to do just that, however, Mira had something else on her mind.

“Bitch, get yourself together,” she said. Lanre did a double take.  Granted, he likes his S&M, but seriously it was 8:00am on a Saturday morning. All he wanted now was some serious sensuous loving.  “Mira, baby,” he moaned.  Mira laughed inside and thought to herself, “He done woke up the sleeping beast now.” She replied, “Don’t Mira baby me. Toks is downstairs.”  Lanre shouted, “Fuuuuuuuuck!” As he located his duffle, Mira leaned languidly against the door and watched.  Her mind contemplated all the new titillating ways she could dominate her husband.  The shy, demure, boring lay of a wife was no more.

Lanre found his bag and attempted to leave their bedroom.  “Baby, I gotta go.”  Mira looked him up and down without a word.  She looked at the bruises visible on his forearm, then back into Lanre’s eyes. Mira whispered in his ear.  Lanre finally understood that this was no fluke.  He dropped his gear and rushed downstairs in earnest.  He approached Toks with a wild look in his eyes.  “Dude, I can’t make it.  Can you call the alternate?”  Toks yelled, “What the hell? You’ve been asking me to put you on for a YEAR?  I kept asking are you sure, are you sure?  Finally I get you in and you flake the fuck out?”  Lanre didn’t know how to explain that his wife was different, that she was now everything that he needed and wanted.  He didn’t know how to explain that other than his wedding night when he took her virginity, last night was the happiest night of his marriage.  Lanre was afraid of what could happen, what he would potentially lose, if he traveled down this road.

Toks stomped around muttering, seemingly unaware of Lanre’s distress while he thought out loud to himself.  Neither one of them noticed the figure behind them.  Toks turned to Lanre and said, “I’m pissed but guess I’ll call Chike for the session.  He too likes being the submissive.”  Mira, who spent the last day worrying if her husband was cheating, reading about S&M dominants and submissives, then decisively subjugating her husband to her newfound desires, let out a loud distressed gasp.

THE END.